my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Watching her eat just hurts me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
