The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I did not marry a roomba.
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