So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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