I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
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