Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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