mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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