he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
