Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
