Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize