I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
