Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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