btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
