When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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