I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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