Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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