Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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