Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
