All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
