She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
