I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
