that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize