So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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