yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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