When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
