you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
