I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
