Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
