maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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