matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize