So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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