At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
