I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize