apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
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