I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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