the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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