im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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