I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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