i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
