Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
