do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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