you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize