is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
