I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize