i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
