Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
