I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
