I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
