Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
