Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize