My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
