you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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