This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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