i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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