smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
