he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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