i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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