Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
