He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
