So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
