The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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