lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
